the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
