So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
