I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
