I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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