foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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