I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
