I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
