Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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