My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
