found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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