she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
