Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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