Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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