I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
