:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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