T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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