i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
