Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
