and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
