Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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