you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
