I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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