I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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