so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
