By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's blow job season.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize