She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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