I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
