i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
