she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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