I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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