Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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