Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
