She said her name was "party"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
