I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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