sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
