she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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