He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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