VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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