god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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