i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
