Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize