I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
