So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
