Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
