My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
