Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
