i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
