Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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