Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
