I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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