mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
