She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Randomize
