Will you blow on my dice?
I am puke
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
