I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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