Cold hands, warm shart.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
are you so shy because you have an std?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
