she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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