she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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